Edit of the World of Sopho and Dead Star

Brought in a new editor today for a co-editing stream. Here's a quick highlight of the insights with more after:

  • Give context early around motivations. Use a character's interior thoughts during the scene to establish their motivations and context. Too little information about motivations can undermine your narrative.

  • In Screenplays, beware too many HIGHLIGHT CAPS. Treat these like parentheticals--use sparingly.

  • Sometimes the writer can give too LITTLE exposition, beware delivering a lot of backstory facts without the contextual "connecting tissues" into the current action.

The Recorded Edit:

Line by Line Notes:

Sopho Notes - In video

Dead Star Notes

P1 - I prefer traditional slugline but follow your heart. Looms has to be earned -- why is it looming? P1 - join the scene desc into a unit (cut blk ash) P1 - beware duplicate sentences in dialogue -- "shut up / Why won't P1 - like wolves can smell fear - start with "YOU can..." P2 - in the flashback - highlight the SWORD prop that establishes a lot for the world. P2 - how long ago was flashback - establish age P2 - cut the title reference // how does a star sit on its throne - center of sky? P3 - cliffs or hills? P3 - Cut havik's intro line P3 - jhev's apperance & flashback could be clearer P3 - Jhev --to "Good... Good." -- is Jhev trying to see what Havoc is going through? P4 - Havoc has been talking aloud to uncle and now he's responding? P5 - should we make the unkle a visible hallucination versus a disembodied voice - we MISS OUT on facial expressions -- we're in-between a little bit. -- his responses indicate he's further along in madness P5 - I feel like we have a lot of facts, but still a bit too little connecting tissue to let the reader get the necessary bearings to care P6 - we've been in 5 days ago for a while // also wolves feel less like a threat cause we've only seen them in flashback. -- Have a CUT TO wolves? P6 - There is a bit of overdescription // also clean scene dynamics here - it seems to refer to an unknown CUT havoc gasps - let the actor run P7 - where is JHEV in this flashback - you can use him to anchor where we are in t ime. P9 - Really consider cutting down flashbacks - avoid as much as possible.

GOOD: --description is strong and visual --Like the dynamics of the character relationships - the uncle v. havik v. Jhev (jev's reliance on havik give us something for him to make choices about)

IMPROVE: --flashbacks need to be better ordered or trimmed down - or choose a different starting point to avoid use --Uncle might need some polish - should the uncle just say things to havok without him responding - it leaves us to interpret how havoc was interpreting --Give us a little more connecting tissue on your exposition

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