Amateur Offering Scriptshadow Review

May 2, 2016

Read over a few screenplays from the amateur offerings this week and voted on Eternal Lies.

 

Here are a few things we learned: 

 

  • Ensure your hero doesn't just have an external flaw (struggles reading, etc.) look to find a moral flaw for the hero -- how is the way he's living hurting others?

  • Beware lots of characters early on, without conflict to drive the story forward 

  • Use a scene agitator (two people talking while people are fighting behind them) OR character quirks (someone is really defensive) OR conflict to spice up on-the-nose dialogue.

Here's the video of the review:

 

 

Here are the line by line notes:

 

SS 5/1 notes 

 

VOTE: ETERNAL LIES

 

Eternal Lies 
P1 - misspelling days -- not good on P1 
P1 - clarify parenthetical 
P1 - good intro - it's tough to have a "non main character" 
opening - but keep it short and punchy if you have one 
(which you do!)
P3 - good intro - picture of the person & insight into 
a relationship (winks @ steve) 
P3- spelling on and - an 
P4- beware long swaths of philosophical dialogue w/o conflict
P6 - not the most unique dialogue -- scene agitator OR char conflict
OR more dynamic quirks
P5 - relic should be a specific thing 
P7 - dialogue is predictable "no don't talk about my dark past"

 

GOOD:
--strong start to plot gets moving 
--good use of intro scene - these are tricky to pull off 

 

IMPROVE:
--dialogue 
--characters seem cookie cutter how can we make these
people stand out as individuals not tropes 

 

 

SICKNESS AND HEALTH:
P1 - using metaphor as someone's dialogue tag "HALF HIS AGE"
seems a bit show offy -- just name the character a real name
P1 - "five" seems odd unless explained soon 
P1 - (he is) odd use of parenthetical can't SHOW 
P1 - maybe he checks his drivers licence on the way out 
P3 - if these 3 characters matter, give more time to intro each
if they DON'T cut them 
P5 - a lot of the caracters don't really stand out 
P5 - morgan's char intro should be a bit more in depth 
P5 - a few half scenes, but no full sequence of action yet...

 

GOOD: 
--like dialogue and humor
--funny intro scene / good hook 

 

IMPROVE: 
--looots of characters, they don't stand out from eachother 
--no forward drive among the sequences yet 

 

 

 

The Magic Ferret:
P1 - each / each - bumps readers out of story 
P1 - bring the action to the scene - it's more fun to 
read it happening than the reaction 
P1 - nevermind ^^
P2 - beware lots of characters in the 1st scene 
P4 - good goal - magic camp & B avg
P5 - dialogue in this scene seems a bit on the nose 
P6 - good show w violet
P6 - show the determination - 
P8 - usually avoid bold and go with caps 
P8 - light conflict for a bit, but you may want to have 
conflict with the meeting of ferret 
P8 - will sam make a CHOICE so that he's WORTHY of his great
SCION assistent
P10 - want to start hinting at his FLAW which will dictate
his great obstacle 
P11 - character flaw seems a little external not internal
P11 - I'd setup the Jackson / Gemma dynamic 
P12 - wish fulfillment scripts like Blank Check / Mathilda 
P13 - the operation joke visual is a bit on the edge of 
tamperin with your tone, though its good 

 

GOOD:
--Great comedy even for kids which is tough
--like the character of Sam and that he has a stong goal
--original idea - ferret telekensis 
--heartwarming 
--good goals setup and stakes (camp) 
--SHOW not Tell is good 

 

ImPROVE
--Flaw and moral FLAW need to be developed along with the
external flaw you already have 
--Meeting of the ferret and how you handle "wish fulfillment"

 

 

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