Edit of the World of Sopho and Dead Star
Brought in a new editor today for a co-editing stream. Here's a quick highlight of the insights with more after:
Give context early around motivations. Use a character's interior thoughts during the scene to establish their motivations and context. Too little information about motivations can undermine your narrative.
In Screenplays, beware too many HIGHLIGHT CAPS. Treat these like parentheticals--use sparingly.
Sometimes the writer can give too LITTLE exposition, beware delivering a lot of backstory facts without the contextual "connecting tissues" into the current action.
The Recorded Edit:
Line by Line Notes:
Sopho Notes - In video
Dead Star Notes
P1 - I prefer traditional slugline but follow your heart. Looms has to be earned -- why is it looming? P1 - join the scene desc into a unit (cut blk ash) P1 - beware duplicate sentences in dialogue -- "shut up / Why won't P1 - like wolves can smell fear - start with "YOU can..." P2 - in the flashback - highlight the SWORD prop that establishes a lot for the world. P2 - how long ago was flashback - establish age P2 - cut the title reference // how does a star sit on its throne - center of sky? P3 - cliffs or hills? P3 - Cut havik's intro line P3 - jhev's apperance & flashback could be clearer P3 - Jhev --to "Good... Good." -- is Jhev trying to see what Havoc is going through? P4 - Havoc has been talking aloud to uncle and now he's responding? P5 - should we make the unkle a visible hallucination versus a disembodied voice - we MISS OUT on facial expressions -- we're in-between a little bit. -- his responses indicate he's further along in madness P5 - I feel like we have a lot of facts, but still a bit too little connecting tissue to let the reader get the necessary bearings to care P6 - we've been in 5 days ago for a while // also wolves feel less like a threat cause we've only seen them in flashback. -- Have a CUT TO wolves? P6 - There is a bit of overdescription // also clean scene dynamics here - it seems to refer to an unknown CUT havoc gasps - let the actor run P7 - where is JHEV in this flashback - you can use him to anchor where we are in t ime. P9 - Really consider cutting down flashbacks - avoid as much as possible.
GOOD: --description is strong and visual --Like the dynamics of the character relationships - the uncle v. havik v. Jhev (jev's reliance on havik give us something for him to make choices about)
IMPROVE: --flashbacks need to be better ordered or trimmed down - or choose a different starting point to avoid use --Uncle might need some polish - should the uncle just say things to havok without him responding - it leaves us to interpret how havoc was interpreting --Give us a little more connecting tissue on your exposition
