Edit of the World of Sopho and Dead Star

January 28, 2017

Brought in a new editor today for a co-editing stream.  Here's a quick highlight of the insights with more after: 

  • Give context early around motivations.  Use a character's interior thoughts during the scene to establish their motivations and context.  Too little information about motivations can undermine your narrative. 

  • In Screenplays, beware too many HIGHLIGHT CAPS.  Treat these like parentheticals--use sparingly. 

  • Sometimes the writer can give too LITTLE exposition, beware delivering a lot of backstory facts without the contextual "connecting tissues" into the current action. 

The Recorded Edit: 

 

 

Line by Line Notes: 

 

Sopho Notes - In video

 

Dead Star Notes

P1 - I prefer traditional slugline but follow your heart.  Looms has to be earned -- why is it looming?
P1 - join the scene desc into a unit (cut blk ash)
P1 - beware duplicate sentences in dialogue -- "shut up / Why won't
P1 - like wolves can smell fear - start with "YOU can..."
P2 - in the flashback - highlight the SWORD prop that establishes a lot for the world. 
P2 - how long ago was flashback - establish age
P2 - cut the title reference // how does a star sit on its throne - center of sky? 
P3 - cliffs or hills? 
P3 - Cut havik's intro line 
P3 - jhev's apperance & flashback could be clearer
P3 - Jhev --to "Good... Good." -- is Jhev trying to see what Havoc is going through?
P4 - Havoc has been talking aloud to uncle and now he's responding?
P5 - should we make the unkle a visible hallucination versus a disembodied voice - we MISS OUT on facial expressions -- we're in-between a little bit. -- his responses indicate he's further along in madness  
P5 - I feel like we have a lot of facts, but still a bit too little connecting tissue to let the reader get the necessary bearings to care 
P6 - we've been in 5 days ago for a while // also wolves feel less like a threat cause we've only seen them in flashback.  -- Have a CUT TO wolves? 
P6 - There is a bit of overdescription // also clean scene dynamics here - it seems to refer to an unknown 
CUT havoc gasps - let the actor run 
P7 - where is JHEV in this flashback - you can use him to anchor where we are in t ime. 
P9 - Really consider cutting down flashbacks - avoid as much as possible.  

 

GOOD: 
--description is strong and visual 
--Like the dynamics of the character relationships - the uncle v. havik v. Jhev (jev's reliance on havik give us something for him to make choices about) 

 

IMPROVE:
--flashbacks need to be better ordered or trimmed down - or choose a different starting point to avoid use 
--Uncle might need some polish - should the uncle just say things to havok without him responding - it leaves us to interpret how havoc was interpreting 
--Give us a little more connecting tissue on your exposition 
 

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