Edit of Ozma and Stuck in Silence

December 30, 2016

Just wrapped up a late night edit of Ozma and Stuck in Silence.  I've written a few takeaways below, and as always, if you'd like to get one of our edits, let us know.

 

The takeaways: 

  • Keep your intros simple.  An intro that is almost a mini story with minimal other plot threads starting can help you focus on the character and drama more!

  • Interiority is key in prose.  Be sure to treat your character's thoughts like another stream of dialogue.  Give it voice and sass.

  • Make your character clever.  A clever character is always fun to watch and be around. Don't be shy about creating characters that love solving problems and triumphing over their deficiencies through ingenuity.  

Here's the video:

The Line-by-line Notes:

 

OZMA NOTES

P1 - Shorten the big wall o' text at the beginning 
P1 - Wouldn't worry about calling out the Focal Point 
P1 - Lean out char description here 
P2 - the murder of crows play on words is tough since it is 
depenent on your written description 
P2 - A complicated handshake works --> Beware these sequenced lists
they seem to be a bit of a habit and will kill the reader with details
P2 - use the montage formatting listed in "Screenwriter's Bible"
P5 - Feels like a lot of worldbuilding and a bunch of unconnected
moments tied in together consider trimming and focusing on completing the "newspaper" thought before nesting others
P7 - Exposition is starting to show through - add conflict that has punch and trim back exposition.
P8 - I feel like the story is really picking up here - getting the momentum and I like Tip's crafty character. 
P9 - Want to start seeing the arc of the story here - I like that 
Tip's plan backfires, but I really want to see it hurt the main goal, but it's hard cause I don't know it.


OVERALL: 
GOOD:
  -Tip's character is super well developed - I like his craftiness and clever ness in solving problems 
  -World buildling is well done, and creative, but be sure to focus first on story

IMPROVE:
  -If you need the exposition, bring in more conflict, but you most likely don't need all that expo.
  -Clean up scene structure a little - some things felt kind of jumpy ie story shifted a lot and sometimes scenes would start with tons of description where others wouldn't. 

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